My Dad always knew what to say. Whether the situation called for a joke, a verse, a song, or just a one-liner, he was ready.

What he said fascinated me and introduced me to whole new worlds to explore. His story telling also taught me how to tell my own stories from when I was very young.

Verses and Songs

These verses and songs came spur of the moment when events would cause him to remember them. In his younger days, he would sometimes dance a jig as he said sang the songs.

Always Wanting What is Not

As a rule,
A man’s a fool.
When it’s hot, he wants it cool.
When it’s cool, he wants it hot.
Always wanting what is not.

Betty Baughter

A tongue twister

Betty Baughter bought some butter
But she said, “this butter’s bitter”.
If I put it in the batter
It will make the batter bitter
But if I take the better butter
Put it in the bitter butter,
It will make the bitter butter better.
So twas better Betty Baughter bought a bit of better butter.

Dear Old Donnegal

My Dad would sing this song when he recalled an event that “seemed like only yesterday”. I also think of this song when I recall an event that “seems like only yesterday”.

It seems like only yesterday
I sailed from County Cork
I wandered here from Erin’s isle
And I landed in New York

There wasn’t a soul to greet me there
A stranger on each shore
But Irish luck was with me here
And riches came galore

And now that I’m going back again
To dear old Erin’s isle
My friends will meet me on the pier
And they’ll greet me with a smile

Their faces, there, I’ve sure forgot
I’ve been so long away
But me mother will introduce them all
And this to me she’ll say

Shake hands with your Uncle Mike, me boy
And here’s your sister, Kate
And the little girl you used to swing
Down on the garden gate

Shake hands with all your neighbours
And kiss the colleens all
You’re as welcome as the flowers in May
To dear old Donnegal

One Liners

—

When Dad was in school, he sometimes misbehaved. One day, the teacher sarcastically said, “Aren’t you the bright one?!”

Dad exclaimed, “I’m so bright my mother calls me Sonny!”

—

When we were working and would get something disgusting in our mouth like dust, sand, or worse, Dad would say, “Don’t worry about it. You’ll eat a peck a dirt before you die.”

—

Every time our bodies were out of alignment with what we were doing, like standing awkwardly, or not in a position to apply the correct leverage, he would say, “Get your ass behind ya!”

—

I was always tempted to carry too much with the idea that I could do it faster or with less steps. When I tried this, it usually would not turn out very well. Either something would fall, and I would have to stop and pick it up or the whole load would fall in a heap causing me to take even more time. In a way, I was being lazy because I was trying to get away with doing less. When Dad would see me doing this, he would say, “Don’t take a Lazy Man’s Load.”

—

Then, there was the following little saying concerning getting a job done or the procrastination that was an obstacle to getting the job done: “Don’t wait! Do it while you’re thinking about it.”

—

We’d be working like dogs digging a trench, painting or pruning, and we’d start to complain. Dad would tell us to go do some other job and then say, “a change is as good as a rest.”

While we working on the alternate job that was “as good as a rest”, he would say, “while you’re resting, sweep the floor!”

Short Stories

No Deposit, No Return

I was in the office of Doc McGinty, an old Scottish Doctor, and he was telling me the story of a patient of his who was a Hypochondriac. She was an older woman who would come in from time to time with various complaints. When she would come in with her complaint, he would give her sugar pills, and she always felt better after she took them because of what they call the placebo effect. One gets a placebo effect when the patient believes that the medicine will work, even if it is not really medicine at all. It’s the patient’s belief in the medicine that makes it work, not the medicine itself.

As the doctor was describing this to me, he said, “I give her three bottles of pills: a bottle of red pills, a bottle of blue pills, and a bottle of white pills. Then, I always give her the same instructions. I tell her to take one red pill in the morning, one blue pill at noon, and one white pill at night. When the pills are all gone, gather a urine sample in the morning, a urine sample at noon, and a urine sample at night. Then, bring back the urine samples.”

I was puzzled and asked the doctor, “if these are just sugar pills, why do you ask her to gather the urine samples and bring them back to you?”

The doctor got a big smile on his face and said wryly, “that’s how I get me bottles back.”

Nickel Immigrants

In the 1920s, a car ferry was the sole means of crossing the Saint Clair River from Sarnia, Ontario, Canada to Port Huron, Michigan. The Saint Clair River marked the border between Canada and the United States.

My grandparents immigrated to the United States by crossing on that ferry. The fare for that ferry was a nickel, so my grandparents called themselves Nickel Immigrants.

After their initial move to Detroit to find employment and new opportunities, they continued to travel back and forth multiple times each year.

They spent summers in Canada near Lake Huron, where they grew up. They would travel to Canada after Memorial Day and return to Detroit after Labor Day. The family would spend all Summer there, and my Grandpa Rae Farris would go back and forth to work.

Blue Water

In 1938, a bridge was constructed over the Saint Claire River, eliminating the need to take the ferry. This bridge is called The Bluewater Bridge. Crossing the river on this bridge offers a view of Lake Huron, where blue water extends to the horizon. The bridge and the surrounding region are named after this distinctive blue water.

Pissing Away a Fortune

A recently arrived Irish immigrant inquired about the location of the restroom. A person directed him towards it, but he mistakenly went to the wrong door.

As he approached the door, a woman placed a bottle with a nickel in it just outside the door. The coin was meant for the milkman, but being unfamiliar with the local customs, he believed it was intended for him.

The Irishman took the nickel and filled up the bottle.

After he did his business, he said, “I love America, but they’re crazy to pay for such things as that. I pissed away a fortune in Ireland!”

Cheaper To Tip

Sandy McPherson, a Scotsman of note, was outside a restaurant. There was a man with a placard hanging around his neck that said, “Join the Anti-Tipping Society”.

Sandy asked him, “How much are the dues?”

“$2.00 a year,” the man replied.

To this Sandy said, “It’s cheaper to tip!”

Janitor At Microsoft

Olf was one of the original janitors at Microsoft. He was a real handyman, so he did a lot more than just clean up the place. He was a real handyman. When email became widely adopted, Microsoft updated their systems, so they could distribute all important employee notices in the email.

Olf couldn’t use a computer or email, so Microsoft let him go. Despite being upset, he started a handyman business with his truck. Over time, it grew into a large construction company.

Upon his retirement, he was recognized by the city for his contributions to society.

A journalist asked him, “It is well known that you are non-technical and don’t even know how to use a computer. Where do you think you would be now if you were more technical and had learned how to use a computer?”

Everyone waited for his response expecting the wonders and miracles that he might perform if he had been able to use a computer.

Olf’s response made everyone at the gathering laugh: “I’d be a janitor at Microsoft.”

Born in a Barn

I retold the following story at the age of four, and my Aunt Betty commented after I was finished, “that apple sure didn’t fall far from the tree.”:

A guy walked into a bar and left the door open. The bartender yelled at him, “Close the door! We’re you born in a barn?”

The guy started to cry. The barkeep got worried and asked, “what’s wrong, dude?”

The guy sniffed back some tears and said, “Sorry, Mister, but the truth is that I was born in a barn, and every time I hear a jackass brey, it makes me homesick!”

What Mom Calls Dad

A teacher was teaching her class to read by showing pictures of animals and asking them to describe the images.

One picture showed a deer. The kids, being very young, didn’t know what the animal was or how to describe it.

The teacher hinted, “What does your mom call your dad?”

There was a brief silence, then a boy raised his hand and exclaimed, “I know teacher. It’s a jackass!”

A Team of Black Horses

Grandpa Farris hired Tat and Dodgie Scram, skilled ditch diggers, to install the drainage tiles while building our subdivision. They were efficient and could move a lot of dirt quickly.

Don’t get the wrong idea. They did not just move a lot of dirt. They excelled at their craft of ditch digging which really involved a lot more than digging. The tiles they laid will likely remain in use for a thousand years if people are still there to use them. Their technique is likely forgotten in this age of machinery and large construction firms. You can’t lay tile as well as they did if you’re using a backhoe to dig the trench. A man using a spade to dig the trench is the best way.

They would start digging where the drain tile is to be connected to the house and continue digging the trench down to where it will join into the main drainage system.

Water is poured into the trench where the tile is to be connected, as this is the highest point of the trench. Then, they would dig downward until the water starts flowing toward the main drain. There is usually clay where they are digging, so this method is called “grading* into the clay.” This ensures an optimal grade for the tile, as water naturally flows downhill. This method provides secure and permanent tile placement since clay is more stable than sand. Also, there is an easier flow in the tile because the “honey” will more easily flow with the right grade.

*The grade is the degree of downward slope. It is usually expressed as a percentage.

A Bit About the Setting

This work on the subdivision took place during the Great Depression in rural Canada when money was scarce. Tat and Dodgie worked mainly for food and sometimes earned a couple of beers if they did well. Those two beers is where the humorous side of the story comes in.

The workers were motivated by the thought of having those beers at the end of the day. Dodgie, especially, would get a smile on his face thinking about that beer. They often drank a brand of beer called Black Horse Ale, which featured a black horse on the label. It was good beer.

A team of horses consists of two horses working in tandem. Dodgie often said during the day, “Give me a team of black horses, and I can do anything.”

Comparison with the World of Today

During the 1930s, most of the residents in this rural region of Canada did not have electricity or running water in their homes. Additionally, they did not possess telephones or indoor plumbing facilities.

“No indoor plumbing” means they used an outhouse instead of a flush toilet. An outhouse is like a port-a-potty made of wood with a hole underneath it instead of a catch tank. It wasn’t made of plastic since plastic wasn’t invented yet.

This highlights the contrast between the 1930s and the present day. Although it was over 90 years ago, the differences in economics and lifestyle make it feel much more distant. Indeed, it appears quite rudimentary by contemporary standards.

Nowadays, most young people have never seen an “outhouse”. Hygiene laws likely prohibit them, but in the 30s, they were common in rural areas.